The Toilet And The Ticket

An Improvisation by the Big Jerks

God damn Lowes
And the toilet and the ticket

Judge you can't, you can't do it
Goddammit judge I'll tell you the story if you want to hear it
You want to hear it?
I'll tell you, the story, of the toilet and the ticket
Goddammit, if it wasn't a Friday,
The end of last month...
You should be charging this ticket to the goddamn Lowes department stores
Those goddamn hardware stores

I'm not going to pay it!
I'm not paying it
I'm not paying the goddamn ticket
To the goddamn city of Torrance!

I'll tell you story judge
But you gotta listen to the whole story
And nothing but the story
So help you God!

O.K. you say you want to hear it?
Here's the story judge...

You see, I had a toilet
It ran all the time
It ran all the time
It was driving me nuts!
So, I hired a guy
I hired a guy to...
Put new toilets in
Then I thought, well, as long as I'm going to put the new toilets in,
I'm going to put new linoleum in...
And you guys know this fellow, his name is Kelly Preach! Yeah!
Fred Preach!
Fred Preach the floor man!
To re-do my bathroom,
In fact, we have two bathrooms, so we thought we'd re-do 'em both!
I got two toilets, two toilets judge!
Goddammit judge, you gotta listen to the whole story
Nothin' but the story! Nothing but the truth!
Two toilets!

Two toilets
The ticket and the toilets
The ticket and the toilets

So there I was - Lowes - Torrance!
You know where, you guys know it's at Sepulveda & Western
And we got a beautiful commode!
And, and these commodes are a little stylish commodes... but
I said to the man, "I'd like two of these commodes."
He said, "Oh, well, we only have the bowls here..."
I said, "What do you mean, the "bowls"..."
"Well, it's two piece commode"
"You know we got the bowls here, "
"You'll have to go to another Lowes to get the tanks!"
I said, "O.K. goddamn, give me the bowls!"
So I bought the bowls at the Torrance Lowes
I bought the bowls, the toilet bowls, just the bowls!
I bought the bowls!

And that's the beginning of the story judge!
The toilet and the ticket.

So I went to go to another Lowes to get the tanks
So I went to another Lowes
It was way down in Long Beach
On the other side of the 605,
Had to get off on, where the hell...Inglewood or something like that...
So, I went in, and, they had plenty of tanks!
I think it was, you know, toilet #36090 or something like that...
So I went and bought the toilet tanks.

Now, this, you got to stick with me judge...
This is - we'll go back to the ticket in a second or two...

O.K. so I got the tanks and I take 'em back to the house
'Cause when the linoleum man's at the house,
He's puttin' the, puttin the linoleum in!
I gotta get the tanks back to him.
You know I've got to get the tanks...
'Cause you can't just have the bowls
They got to have a way to flush the...
Flush the toilet, flush that toilet!
So I took 'em back to the house.
I'm thinking, O.K. well, good, we got it together man.
We open 'em up, and - one of the tanks didn't have a handle!
One of the tanks didn't have a handle!
And so I thought, Goddamnit, I've got to go back to Lowes again!
Son of a bitch!
And guess where the receipt was judge?
The receipt was at the studio.
15 miles away!
I had to go down and,
I had to go down to Hermosa Beach and get the receipt,
So I could go back to Lowes.
To show 'em that I bought 'em,
To get the handle

God-dammit judge!
You got to understand what's going on here!
Ok, so, I go down to the studio get the receipt.
And, as I'm driving up 190th,
You're officer Branagh, spies me in a goddamn speed trap.
In Redondo Beach (I know that one!)
At the goddamn "Lily Farm",
Or whatever the locals call that fuckin' stretch of road.
Where? Your goddamn speed trap...
It's a fucking speed trap!
It's a fucking speed trap
I'm going to tell everybody I know!
It's a goddamn speed trap
And you know it, and you know it.

So your officer Branagh, and the toilets...
You should be charging Lowes!
Not me!
Your officer Branagh needs to go down to Lowes...
And charge, and charge the store!
For the fact that they didn't include a handle!
So there you see judge, there's the logic of it, now what do you say?
I know who should be charged this ticket.
No me! Not the innocent motorist!
I was just... Your officer Branagh said I was going 55...
But that was, that was only because I was changing goddamn lanes!
I was going down hill changing lanes.
And what the hell, how's my car supposed to know...
That it's supposed to only go 35 when I'm changing lanes.
You buying it?
Officer Branagh, officer...
You know what officer Branagh did?
Goddamn officer Branagh, he, he asked me,
Well, "How old are you?"
I said "What the fuck?" "How old are you?"...
He's, fuckin' "How old am I?"
What the fuck does that have to do, with the goddamn Lowes!
The fucking speed trap on 190th?
"How old I am?"...
Son of a bitch, by the dog park!
Yeah, fucking speed trap!
Everybody should know!
I'm puttin' signs on my car...
Said, put a sign on my car that says:
"You're next!" Speed trap on 190th!
"You're next!" Speed trap on 190th!
"You're next!" Speed trap on 190th!
The ticket and the toilets
The ticket and the toilets
The goddamn speed trap.
The goddamn speed trap.
And the goddamn, the "dog run" or whatever the hell the locals call it...
There's a goddamn speed trap there!
And I'm fucking sick of it.
I'm going to put a sign on the back of my car that says:
"You're next, 'Cause there's a speed trap on 190th!"
In between - PCH and Anza - or wherever the hell that is...
And everybody needs to know about it!
You're going to get a ticket from officer Branagh too!
And he's going to ask you your age!

Goddamn speed trap
Goddamn dog park
Goddamn speed trap
Goddamn dog park
Goddamn speed trap
Goddamn dog park

How old are YOU!

So you see judge,
I'm sorry for the little swear word, little cuss word I used.
Just nix that off the record judge.
That little, maybe, I said "damn" or something, I don't know...
But you see, officer Branagh, he had no right to,
He had no right to, fine me...
Whatever the hell you were going to fine me...
Because, if you analyse the story, the situation,
And the goddamn speed trap situation,
It's not constitutional as we know,
You can't goddamn... Fuckin' officer Branagh had no right...
Laying in wait for me, to, to...
Change lanes, it had nothing to do with,
Goddamn, I'm just trying to get back to the house...
To bring the handle for the toilet!
The handle for the goddamn toilet.

Please judge you got to believe me.
Toilet and the ticket.
The goddamn toilet and the ticket!


(copyright 2008 Big Jerks, Sissonvisions, BMI)

Available on this disc